A PDF version of this transcript is available here.
INTRO
Believer Theme song plays.
NARRATOR Believer. Episode 5. Stay tuned after this episode for some important announcements.
INT. JAKE'S HOUSE - DAY
Heavy Metal PODCAST MUSIC plays. JAKE sits across the kitchen table from ABE RAMIREZ. Abe is a conspiracy theorist like Jake, but the techie kind. He is cool and serious where Jake is enthusiastic and passionate.
JAKE Hello and welcome to SQUATCH TALK, broadcasting from the heart of the Oregon Bigfoot Highway. We're here to discuss the news and information about our most mysterious neighbor, Sasquatch. I'm Jake Talbott, and this is my co-host --
ABE We'll see.
JAKE Interim co-host --
ABE Guest for this episode --
JAKE Abe Ramirez!
ABE Yo.
JAKE Now, citizens of Charity know Abe from the local public access station --
ABE W-K-C-H, Charity's only local public radio.
JAKE What you may not know about Abe is that he's also one of the region's foremost experts on paranormal events.
ABE The truth is out there, folks.
JAKE Alright, let's get to the main topic: Sasquatch. Bigfoot.
ABE Skunk Ape.
JAKE Gigantopithecus.
ABE El Sisimite.
JAKE They have Bigfoot in Mexico?
ABE I don't know. I'm Guatemalan.
JAKE Right. But, uh, you said you had some recordings you wanted to share?
ABE Yeah. As your listeners may know, my show on W-K-C-H has an open inbox policy, so anyone can call with tips and we might choose to explore them on air.
JAKE That's how you found that big story on the Farmer's Market price-fixing, right?
ABE Yeah, that was a good one. But I also get a lot of calls that are more...difficult to authenticate.
JAKE 'Squatchy, you might say.
ABE I...might say that. Anyway, I thought I'd play them for you and get your take.
JAKE Please! Let's hear it!
ABE Alright. (clicking on laptop) Let's start with...this one.
Beedle-oop! The recording starts.
BILL (on recording) Hey, this is Bill [BLEEP]. I've been listening to your show and, uh, just wondered if you've heard anything like this. See, I was backpacking up around Eagle Creek about two weeks ago. About my third day out there, I was up real early in the morning and I heard this...knocking. Not at my tent, more like out in the trees. Someone was knocking the branches together. Well, I figured it was some kids out screwing around, but it was just strange enough that I thought I'd check it out. So I shouted, you know, "Hey! You kids! Quiet down out there!" That kind of thing. And then...then it got weird. See, there was this crashing. Like something big breaking through the brush. Real big. Mowing down everything in its path. Coming toward me. I kind of froze, you know, not sure what to do? But as it got closer...the smell. Bad smell. Real bad. Like sulfur mixed with feces. Real bad. And that kind of shook me loose, you know, so I took cover behind a boulder nearby. And just as it crashed out of the woods, it made this noise -- like a, like a roar. Kind of a lion mixed with like a, like an elephant. Just real loud. And then it was just...gone. Now, I didn't see what it was. It was gone when I came out. But my whole tent and my camp stove were thrown over. And -- you know, we don't get a lot of bears here, but I know bears. It wasn't a bear. Anyway, just wondered if you heard about an escaped animal? Maybe from the zoo or something? Thought I'd mention it. Because this thing, it was real big, real smelly, real aggressive. Seems like you'd warn people. Okay, that's it. Thanks!
Beedle-boop. The recording stops.
JAKE Yeah, that's a 'Squatch.
ABE You're sure?
JAKE Oh yeah. Classic Sasquatch encounter.
ABE In Eagle Creek?
JAKE Oh, well, Sasquatch have got huge territories. And make no mistake, they are territorial. That knocking Bill heard? That's how they communicate.
ABE To other Bigfoots. Bigfeet.
JAKE They take two big branches, right? And they just slam them together. I see it all the time on my Sasquatch Trail.
ABE You see them? Sasquatches?
JAKE No, I see the branches.
ABE Ah.
JAKE Trust me, big tree branches don't just fall. Not on each other. Not, you know, perpendicular. It's Sasquatch, every time.
ABE So why didn't this Sasquatch stick around? It just ran through.
JAKE Oh, well, they don't stick around long. Your average Bigfoot encounter is only about 10 seconds. They're shy animals. My guess, this one heard Bill yelling, thought he was a rival male, and just made a quick territorial display. Just enough to scare him off.
ABE A warning.
JAKE Exactly. This is why you always approach the Sasquatch with respect. Talk quietly. Leave an apple for them to find. That's how you gain their trust.
ABE How long have you been working on the Sasquatch out by your place, Jake?
JAKE Oh, we've been on good terms for a few years now. It started with just the one, but now there's a whole clan that comes around. They're beautiful creatures.
ABE You've seen them?
JAKE Well, no. But they take the apples. That's how you know. When the apples are gone.
ABE Okay, well, here's a listener question you can maybe answer, as the local expert.
JAKE Sure.
Beedle-oop! Another recording.
BENNIE Hey, listen, Abe, I want you to find out what the aliens are doing with the Sasquatch around here. You know they've been going together lately. Every time you see a UFO, there's another damn Sasquatch. It's an infestation! This is the kind of stuff your show should look at, you know. I've been listening for a year now, and some of the topics you get into are really pretty useless. But this --
Bloop. It cuts off.
ABE That's enough of that.
JAKE You know, your show should focus on more of this stuff, Abe.
ABE That's what your show is for.
JAKE Man, there are things going on out here that the public just has no idea about.
ABE The government is hacking our phones, and you want me to talk about a hairy man in the woods? Come on, man. (beat) But this connection between Sasquatch and aliens -- that's interesting.
JAKE It all comes back to aliens with you.
ABE No, man, I looked into it. Sasquatch encounters are highly correlated with UFO sightings.
JAKE Sasquatch is not an alien.
ABE But could he have been created by aliens? Maybe the same ones who created us?
JAKE Come on, man.
ABE No, really -- hairless skin? Weak teeth and claws? Big, heavy head we hold far from the ground? Why? You really think those are the product of natural selection? Survival of the fittest?
JAKE Okay, well, you have a point.
ABE Of course I do, man.
JAKE So what, a race of extraterrestrial Sasquatches came down to earth and made humans for...some reason?
ABE No, no. That would be silly. Sasquatch was an earlier experiment.
JAKE To do what?
ABE A slave race. Think about it, they are huge, hardy --
JAKE Surprisingly intelligent.
ABE Clearly resilient, to thrive in secret this long.
JAKE So why move on to humans?
ABE Because, man: humans are easier to control. They both make "whoa" type noises -- this blows Jake's mind.
JAKE Sasquatch is not an alien, though.
ABE No, no, he protects us from the aliens. He turned on them. So whenever they try to come back, Sasquatch shows up.
JAKE I don't know, man...
Abe clicks around on his laptop.
ABE Here. Try this one. You'll see. There's more to Bigfoot than meets the eye.
JAKE Alright.
Beedle-oop! Recording starts.
SHEILA Listen, uh, Abe. I was driving down Highway 224, just coming back from Estacada and uh...
JAKE Heavily wooded area.
ABE Shh! Listen.
SHEILA There's just something kind of...weird out there. So I was driving along, and it was getting dark, you know? And I see this elk. In the road. Just one bull elk, all by himself. And he's standing there just...staring at me. I flashed my lights, I honked the horn, but this thing just would. not. move.
JAKE I don't hear any Sasquatch.
ABE She's getting to it!
SHEILA And I think there was something up with it because it had this, well, I could swear it was blood. All around its mouth. On its teeth. Anyway, I thought maybe it was blinded, you know, by the headlights, so I shut them off, and that's when...it happened. I heard this...sound. Like a cry, or a call. Maybe a whistle? And this elk, he looks up, toward the sound. And he blinks, and he sniffs twice, and then he just...falls over. And I'm so surprised I just, I started to get out of the car, like, to see if it was okay? And then this...dark thing came. Not dark like, I mean, it was night, but darker than that. Like I've never seen anything so... But it was walking, I think. It came out of the woods, this huge, black...thing. And it bent down over the elk and then it...then it was just...gone. The elk, the thing, the...I blinked, and I was just standing on an empty road, headlights on, horn blaring. And since then I can't -- it's like I can't get it out of my head. Look, Abe, I know it sounds crazy, but I wasn't seeing things. It happened. There's something out there, and I just think maybe you should -- I don't know. I wanted you to know. Don't call me back.
Bleep-bloop. The recording ends. A beat.
ABE So?
JAKE Hm?
ABE Is that Bigfoot?
Jake seems confused, disoriented.
JAKE That, uh, you know, that one, uh, I don't think I got that.
ABE Like you don't know what it is, or...?
JAKE No, like, it didn't play.
ABE What? No, man, I played that whole thing.
JAKE (overlapping) Yeah, I don't, uh, I don't know. Maybe something's wrong with your computer.
ABE There's nothing wrong with the computer, Jake. You know I take care of my rig.
JAKE I don't know. I gotta get a drink.
ABE Oh, you have water right here --
JAKE I gotta get a drink.
Jake stands up and walks away.
ABE Uh...okay. Are we just gonna edit this part out, or...?
A brief pause. Abe's chair moves, he turns away from the mic toward Jake.
ABE Jake? Are you...
Suddenly, the laptop emits loud static. Then the sound of Rose laughing breaks in.
ABE What the -- ?
The static glitches and pops.
ABE How is this happening?
Abe clicks a few buttons. It shocks him.
ABE Ow!
ROSE Over here! I'm over heeere...
ABE Jake! You seeing this?
ROSE Hello? Hello? (more pops) It's okay. I'll see you soon.
Static and pops. Rose laughs again. The message ends.
ABE Dude...this is fucked.
Jake comes back from the kitchen.
JAKE Hey, sorry. Everything okay?
ABE This machine is supposed to be unhackable.
He furiously clicks and types.
JAKE Okay...?
ABE That message came from nowhere. It's not on my computer. There's no record of it.
JAKE So you still want to do the show, or...?
ABE Jake, you don't understand. This is not possible. Someone is using tech that just -- doesn't exist.
JAKE Well, so, we didn't really get to talk about Gigantopithecus.
ABE And it sounded like that girl, Rose. Don't you think? But she doesn't have access to this kind of tech.
JAKE So Gigantopithecus is an ancient species of primate.
ABE Jake, are you listening to me, man? This is serious.
JAKE Yeah, I'm telling you. This thing -- let's just call him "Giganto," it's easier -- it was the largest primate that ever lived, at least according to current fossil records.
ABE Dude, I've...I've gotta go. You should disconnect your wi-fi.
Abe grabs his stuff and leaves. Sound of door opening and closing. Jake continues like nothing's happened.
JAKE Giganto was ten feet tall, and likely weighed over a thousand pounds. Now, there have been plenty of species that people thought were extinct, and then they found them out there in the world. They're called "Lazarus species," because they came back from the dead. Now, what about our friend Giganto? Could he be a Lazarus? The evidence is pretty compelling. For example, Abe, if you look at the fossilized foot samples from...
Jake looks around. He's slowly coming back to himself.
JAKE Oh, that's right. Abe had to go. Well, this has been a fantastic episode of SQUATCH TALK! I don't think I need to do any edits. The next episode should be out in just a couple of days. But if you want to see the evidence -- and maybe even a live Sasquatch in the flesh -- then you'll need to join me for a SQUATCH WALK! Just head on out to Charity, Oregon, and follow the signs from the town hall. Someone took them down a bit ago, but I'll put them back up. Oh -- this episode is sponsored by Dave's Hardware. At Dave's, you can get hammered and screwed! ...Wait, that doesn't sound right. Anyway, shoot me a message with your Bigfoot questions and stories. Maybe you can find yourself featured on SQUATCH TALK! Until next time, everybody.
The "'Squatch Talk" theme song plays as we fade out to...
INT. JAKE'S HOUSE - LATER
Bleep-Blip! The friendly stopping sound on Jake's podcast app indicates the recording is over. Jake turns excitedly to DR SIMMONS, who is less enthusiastic.
JAKE So what did you think?
DR SIMMONS I really just came by to speak with Lara Campbell. Is she here?
JAKE Oh. No.
DR SIMMONS Well, there's a half an hour of my life I'll never get back...
END OF EPISODE.
OUTRO
Thank you for listening to Believer. I’ve got a bit of a bad news, good news situation for you today, listeners. The bad news is that we’ve reached the end of the audio we were able to record as a cast before COVID-19 shut down the recording studios in Los Angeles. With the outbreak continuing and protests filling the streets, I can’t say for sure when we’ll be able to get back together again. So this is a long way of saying that the main storyline of BELIEVER is now on hiatus. But there is some good news! We've got prequel and spin-off episodes planned that make use of some of the remote recording possibilities that we have. I've also got lots of plans to revamp the show in the meantime. When we come back, we’ll have better audio, a consistent release schedule, and lots of cool ways to interact with the show. As always, follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @believerpod for all the latest news. You can also email believerpod@gmail.com to get in touch. For full credits, transcripts, press kit, and other information, stop by the website at www.BelieverPodcast.com. If you enjoyed Squatch Talk, then you should really subscribe to King Falls AM, a fiction podcast about two guys running a radio show in a paranormal town. I swear I didn’t do this on purpose, but when I listened back to this episode I was like, “Oh, I made a King Falls episode in the Believer-verse.” So if you liked this, go to KingFallsAM.com or look them up in any podcasting app. Now, this feed's not going completely silent, because there's a lot going on. So over the next few weeks, you can expect mini episodes recommending other shows, opportunities for activism, and resources for coping with our collective life situation. We’ll have new Believer content soon, but in the meantime it’s important for us to help each other. Until then, remember: be safe. Wear a mask. Black lives matter. Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary people are wonderful. And while you're at it, just try to get a good night’s sleep. You encounter far fewer ghosts when you’re well-rested. Bye now.